Dar

To Dar:

I feel like I've spent a decent amount of my life (I guess technically 2/3 of my life) hating you. You have been my nemesis. The person that everything can be blamed on has always been you. But I haven't really played the victim. I haven't been a martyr. I have taken what you did to me, how you hurt me, and I have done everything in my life, in spite of you. I have pushed myself to overcome the obstacles that have come up because of you. I have fought, and fought hard, to make myself a good person, a likeable person, someone that people want to be around. To make myself everything that you AREN'T.

I don't know if you remember, but when you left, at five in the morning, I woke up and asked where you were going. You leaned down next to where I was sleeping on the eggshell in Grandma's living room and told me to go back to sleep, that you would be back soon. I went back to sleep, trusting that you'd come back for me. We all know how that turned out.

When you talked to me before you left, and you asked me if I would rather stay with Grandma or "my dad", I thought that it was for short term. At eight years old, I couldn't imagine that my mother would leave and not come back. But by nine, not only could I imagine it, I had lived it. And for the rest of my life, anytime the topic of "mom" came up in conversation, I would either have to lie or explain the story of how my mom couldn't handle being a mom, or how she went crazy, and she left when I was 8. And then, EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME I had to hear whoever I was talking to say "Oh, I'm so sorry" and I had to watch that pitying look cross their face.

Now, I'm tired. I'm so tired of having to apologize for you. I'm so tired of having to be angry at you. Because if I'm not angry at you, people wonder why. And I feel like there's something...gone. Perhaps because I've been angry for so long.

Despite my weariness, I can't seem to just let it, or you, go. My anger is sublimating, and quickly. It's gone from the fast, free-flowing pahoehoe of my youth, to a slow, creeping a'a. It flares and quickly subsides, moving forward only centimeters at a time.

But it feels like the bowels of the earth. Never-ending. No matter how much heat is released at the surface, nuclear reactions are still occurring, creating more heat that will one day need to be dissipated.

And now, I just want to scream at you! It’s the easiest thing in the world to apologize. Just say “I’m sorry for how I hurt you.” Instead, you make excuses every time it comes up.

You have hurt so many people in your life. It makes me laugh so hard that you think that you are going to “transcend” this plane. HA! Have you ever read ANY holy scriptures? I’m not referring to the Bible or any scripture that relates to that. I’m talking about the Tao Te Ching or the teachings of the Buddha. Or how about the vedic literature? You can’t hurt people and expect to move onto the next level in incarnation! The more you push the wheel, the longer you’re stuck in the cycle of incarnations.

But that’s not the point. The point is that you suck. And I’m sick of hating you. So grow up. Come back to reality. Please, mom.